Ima Q.T.

A few politicians have claimed that the English language is in danger from the .8% of non-English speakers currently living in the U.S. (as opposed to the 3.6% of non-English speakers in the U.S. in 1890). I disagree. Something else much more criminal, much more vile, much more prevalent than non-English speakers: AIM.

I don't mean to shock you. But I'm sure you've seen it yourself. Those divisive little pre-teens butchering the English language with their "LOL"s and their "BRB"s. Nothing has caused such damage since those English fuckers who decided to introduce random Latin words into the OED.

Certainly, Shakespeare had his place making up words for the good of the dramatic arts (and the language, in many cases). He contributed quite a bit of nonsense to help us all express ourselves a little better (i.e. homely & puke). But even he was pushing the line in the proper way of introducing items into the common communication system.

I propose a general assembly to approve each and every item suggested to express any type of communication. This assembly could be made up of representatives from every state. And if other English-speaking countries would like to take part, they can call in by conference call. Granted, such a meeting would require vigilance on the part of the government so that the assembly might keep on top of every new bastard word dropped into the mix. To do this, the president will of course have to appoint a language czar.

Had this been the practice from the beginning, we could have avoided such disasters as "like" and "cooch". Even the English themselves managed to rid the language of "shit" and "fuck" by labeling them as "vulgar" when in fact they were just Germanic instead of Latin.

When evidence of the damage emoticons and acronyms have had on the language is presented to the Congress, I'm sure they will agree. Down with Internet slang. If you cannot type properly, you will not be allowed to use the program!

Ok. TTYL.